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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Portrait of an Insomniac

Blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Ahh. Sorry had to get that out. As long as we're throwing around apologies here, I'm also sorry I haven't put anything worth reading up in a good while, and I'm sorry that it seems like half my posts start with 'sorry I haven't posted'. Bad form I know, and thanks to the three people who are still reading this. What follows is what's on my mind about my life, right now, in no particular order of importance or relevance.

So I got bronchitis a couple weeks ago. That was dumb. Hit like lightening too, completely out of nowhere. I was healthy, I went to sleep on Stephen's grandparents couch in Eugene, woke up sick. Sore throat, head feeling like somebody stole my brain during the night and replaced it with a thousand cotton balls. Stuck around too. I made it three days before going to see the trusty family physician who promptly placed me on antibiotics and remanded me to my bed until such a time when I stopped showing symptoms. Being sick is a terribly unpleasant thing, because as nice as it may be to lie on the couch all day watching Frasier and eating the occasional bowl of soup, it takes the relaxation element out when you're wracked with the cough of the damned and the paycheck reflecting of someone who hasn't worked all week.

Halloween is coming up. The cynic in me wants to say it's just a day for assholes to dress like assholes and then get drunk. Young adults I mean, not children. I've yet to see a tottering inebriated child with a bad attitude dressed like a sphincter going around soliciting candy from people. Fingers crossed for this year though. For the people in my general age bracket (21-35) it seems like every holiday gets turned into an excuse to 'get hammered' these days. Maybe it's just me, granted I haven't been drinking much in the past month or two, so that could lend to my general disdain for the drunk and disorderly. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything particular against drinking or whatnot, if you know me personally you know how true that statement is. I've just been in a place in life lately where alcohol doesn't have much of a pull on me, and as it goes, being the sober person around a bunch of drunks can be grating on the nerves. Swerving back to find my point, I am trying not to be so cynical (largely unsuccessfully) so happy halloween everybody. Don't be dicks and drive drunk.

Helicopter school. Is he gonna do it? Not? Yay? Nay? Fuck the back and forth, YES, yes, yours truly is going to enroll in school and start the journey towards becoming a professional pilot. If you were to ask me when I'd tell you "Soon...ish." I'm not in a hurry or a rush, I've got shit to take care of first, but I'll get there, and when I do it's going to change my life. More than I'm already altering it (which is quite a bit). Lots of changes and shaking up of things going on in my life lately, which in turn causes changing and shaking in my head. Rearranging your perspectives on things can be refreshing, eye opening, and at times straight up fucking terrifying. It's also frequently liberating, in ways both positive and not so much. To be free just long enough to have one's head bashed against a wall is not the type of freedom I seek. I want to make a life for myself, enough of this vagabond paycheck to paycheck lifestyle and on to bigger and better. So that's happening.

GIRLS! I love them, I really do. I want one. I'm not greedy, I don't need hundreds, or fifty, I just want one please. Where are the smart girls? The girls who won't bore me to tears within minutes of meeting them. The girls who aren't bitchy, petty, vindictive, materialistic little attention whores. Girls who have read and comprehended at least one book with more pages then pictures. Is it too much to ask for a brain and some edge simultaneously? I know I know, they're out there. You can't find them if you never look I suppose. I had one once, but instead of the faults listed above she turned out to be a dishonest deceitful little girl, her tongue full of lies and half-truths. I of course had my faults, there are things I would do differently if I could, but it wasn't all bad. In fact it wasn't even mostly bad, only at the end did everything sour and wither. The fights got worse, the mistakes unforgivable. She eventually cemented the end of our relationship somewhere in year three, the end of everything between us, by fucking my best friend, sending me reeling into my own personal full service Hell. It took me a long goddamn time to get over that, part of me hasn't yet and never will, part of me will always hate her for what she did. Part of me will always love her for what she was. I don't have the energy or emotional reserves to be passionate about that anymore though, it's a waste of my time and it's a waste of me. As flawed and incomplete a person I may be, I'm also genuine, honest, loyal, and full of love. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my dog and my snake. There's more than enough to go around, but I haven't quite nailed the part where I find somebody to share it with. Not short on time though either. It'll happen again, and I'll do it right this time.

There really aren't any points to any of this. Ramblings of a mind deprived of outlet at four in the morning, unable to sleep but able to type. Given the circumstances I'm not going to bother proof reading this at all, so there remains a decent chance I'll read it tomorrow and find things I wish I hadn't said, or I had said better. Nonetheless, like all my posts this shall remain unedited, standing as a small window into my mind for these few minutes it took me to write this.

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