DFW

I don't really have anything to write about except an update on me and what I'm doing. Starting to actually look forward to going back to Bend in April. Garrett is leaving to go back April 20th, I may come back with him. Everybody else will be here til the end of April. Border's filed Chapter 11 and are closing 200 out of their 500 stores, including the one I work at here. I was a barista, but the cafe closed already, so now I'm a floor employee. To anywhere from tomorrow to mid April. Layoffs will be happening frequently, and I'm just a seasonal employee anyways so I'll be the first to go. Pretty much just going with the flow right now.

Looking forward to being back in Bend, but as for how long I don't know. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe the summer. A lot of that depends on whether or not I officially start at Leading Edge to be a helicopter pilot, and/or when I start. No rush, I want to be confident in the decisions I make. I don't know how good this summer in Bend will be, and last summer will be hard to beat. We had Erik and I in the cave, Stephen and Marta upstairs, Austin and Garrett two blocks down, and all our favorite bars within easy stumbling distance. Last summer was endless games of wallball, video games, joints, parties, decks, sunshine, beer, friends, the official formation of the W5. This summer Erik and Stephen will be mentoring kids at camp (scary thought), Marta's off discovering herself in Israel, Kaylin moved to Ashland and will probably be assimilated into hippie culture, the Amy's moved to Washington, and it'll be a different and less colorful and exciting place (Bend). Add to that there is apparently somebody back in my hometown that I don't want to see or run into, but with the circles we travel it's inevitable. Strangely enough I really wish I could be this guy's friend, I do miss hanging out, I miss what was once my closest friend. He choose a path that doesn't allow us to be friends though, and seeing him again it would've once been hard not to take out his teeth. I don't have the motivation anymore though, the fire I had a year ago wouldn't have let me stop until I heard things breaking, but its died down to burning coals. Anger and disappointment that I could misjudge people so badly, that he could value our friendship that little. I'll deal with that when it comes up though, and I'm tired of thinking about this so, moving on.

I don't have a car, I don't have a home, and I'm really not looking forward to crashing at my parents house again. Then again my moms is great, she cooks, it's cheap, and she'd love to have me around, at least for a while, so I suppose thats the route to start at. Wherever I am or I end up, I'm going to make the best of it, and do my best to enjoy the shit out of life, have as much fun as I can whenever I can. All I have ahead of me are options, possibilities, and potential, and that sounds pretty damn good to me right now.

Faded Ramblings

Technology kinda freaks me out when I stop to think about it. Which I do, occasionally. I remember when cell phones were a huge deal. I remember when we got our first family cell phone. I was probably 10. One of those old bulky Nokia's with the tiny yellowish screen. It cost one billion dollars a month and we got 18 minutes of talk time and if we called somebody further away then Redmond it ran 19.00 a minute. I remember getting my first cell phone, a blue screen standard Mitsubishi, I was probably a freshmen or sophomore in high school. None of this really has any point or relevance other then that I'm typing this entry on my phone. Which is one of the most amazing and versatile things I own today. If there was a fire I would save three things, my 42" flatscreen, my laptop, and my phone. Which also happens to be my iPod. Which also happens to be my detailed calendar, my actual address book, ect ect blah blah blah. It does nearly everything my laptop does and it fits nicely in my hand. Ten years ago this kinda shit was a dream for the average Joe. Now you've got little kids in diapers with Blackberries and iPhones. I remember what a huge deal it was to have a DVD player on a laptop, if you even had a laptop. Now I can watch fucking Inception on HD on my cellphone because my Blu-Ray disc came with a digital copy. It's insane to for me to think of a generation growing up with all this crap readily available and provided by parents even.

I know there wasn't a point to this but sometimes you just have to get faded and think then write about what's on your mind. No matter how mundane or pedestrian a read it may be. If you are even still reading I salute you. From my godamned can't live without it phone.

In closing, a quote I think we could all take some time to think on.

"Shut up."
- Stephen Haze (in regards to...anything)

Ghost Writer?

I feel so small, in a really big fuckin world. I used to feel like I had my own little universe, somewhere I was comfortable and content if not happy. Now the line is severed and I float adrift, nothing really tying me to any particular job, town, adventure. I come and go as I please, but I don't feel free, more lost. Lost is some people's free I guess, although its also a variation on trapped in a maze, strapped down and forced to stare at this riddle for the rest of your life and half the time I swear it makes no fuckin sense. I don't want to be on some goddamned assembly line, just sliding along, bouncing up and down like I've got puppet strings attached to my destiny and I don't believe I trust the puppeteer. Or that there even is one. I don't believe in many things these anymore, harshness of reality, disillusionment of principles, all those cliches lined up in a row, give me a chance I bet I can hit every single one.

Ok here's something thats not bullshit metaphors and whining. Things to do.

1) Figure out what makes me happy, figure out how to make money doing this, do this.
2) Get more tattoos. This is already proven to make me happy.
3) Keep saving money. Money is good, I have some, I'd like to have more.
4) Go after whatever I want, and fuck the obstacles, the haters, the fear of failure. Be all nike and shit.
5) Fly more helicopters. This seems to be something that could both make me happy and make me money. That's a two-fer.
6) Keep writing. Even if its silly shit like this blog, and even if its just me who reads it. Its good for me dammit, and sometimes I'm good for it. I don't see myself pursuing it as a monetary draw, but its a good hobby, and I've already been working on it for oh, 20 years.
7) Smile you sonofabitch! For all the shortcomings that may be in your life, you have it pretty damn good. Enjoy that.

Cheers. Here's to all the things to come, whatever they may be.