Not about you...about you all.

I'd like to speak to the special agent in charge of this whole fiasco. Relationships. Men and women, men and men, women and women, and any other combinations you can think of. They can be gold, and they can be cancer. Regardless of the situation, regardless of the problems and the vitriol and the issues, once its gone you just want it back. Entirely contradictory to everything rational, but nobody ever said emotions had any correlation with rationality. We are all controlled by impulse, we'd all fight and scratch and kill to get something that in the end might very well destroy us quicker then we could destroy each other. We all yearn for that human connection, and we'll drive ourselves insane to achieve it. Happiness is so fleeting from inside a padded room, and those embraces we so long for are complicated by straight jackets. Smile that vacant smile and take your meds, if you are weak enough you can let your fantasies become your life, but it'll only ever be in your head. I've been mentally shuffling through my rolodex of every woman who's ever meant something to me, and it's not such a long list. I miss them all though, the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly. I miss late nights talking in parks, long drives, the rain and everything in it, the music that has provided a soundtrack to each and every girl I've taken interest in, and packs of cigarettes smoked throughout conversations that seemed so goddamned important at the time. It's strange how now they can seem important again, like some sort of network error I never noticed, severe delayed reaction. I feel like the lines are up again though, data is being sent and received, and there are connections, some to be made, some to be reestablished, some to be severed if they haven't been already. I think I could make you happy, I just don't know who you are yet.

Always and Fornever

Isn't it weird how things can reverse on you? A situation completely and utterly polarized can be a jarring and unnerving ordeal, which is strange in itself because you've been on the opposite side, its like inverted deja vu. You've seen the way it went the first time, you know the reactions and the responses and yet you still can't help yourself from going through the motions. At some point you have to try something new, even try nothing at all, but quit walking down the same old dirty beaten broke ass path, you've been here before and it isn't going to lead anywhere new this time.

People are strange and complicated and unpredictable things, and no matter what you think you know there will always be somebody standing in front of you smiling through their deceit. Accepting that you can't change people is the summit of understanding. The people you know, your friends, your family, you yourself, are who you are and always will be. There are layers to everything, but deep down, maybe not even so deep, we're all the same. We all want to love, laugh, fuck, feel, experience, succeed. We are all visceral emotion and twisting contradictions, just moving throughout the day trying to keep it all in check without exploding. We all need somebody to connect to, somebody who operates on that same wavelength as us, somebody who can keep you tethered and sane, and you for them. Thats a true partnership, those that have it are lucky and those that don't, keep looking.

I like to keep in control of things. I don't like situations being flipped on me, I don't like being out of my element. Technically I'm not though, and at this point, with the amount of things I've been through, I could just relive everything in reverse and never have a new experience. Fuck that obviously, I'm off the path, gone from the map, and I'm making my own destiny. The elements can be damned, I'll live where I want and be where I want and do whatever with whomever I want. The beauty of choice, of being young and free of wires and puppet strings.

Here we go again

What is this, the fiftieth, sixtieth time I've started this. New beginnings and shit though right? It's just me now, like it used to be, theres no filter, no judge and jury. It doesn't have to be about anybody and it can be about everybody. I don't give a damn how you decide to interpret what you read, thats one of your rights as a human being, and possibly a hater although that debate hasn't yet been settled.

It feels good to type. Feels good to hold words in my hand and make them dance to the tune of my flute. Which is a total contradiction because if I'm holding things (words) how am I playing a musical instrument (flute)? I don't even play the flute. I played the clarinet once. Literally once. Then I just kinda sat in class and distracted people for oh I don't know, five years. Oh yeah you know who you are if you went to high school/middle school with me and were in the clarinet section. Third chair typically. I'm sorry third chair, we let you down, but just trust me, the band was better off.

Ok so there wasn't a point to that divergence. But you came here and you read it so I don't think there's anybody to blame in this situation but yourself. More to the point, I've written on Myspace, LiveJournal, notebooks, and now I'm going to write here. I don't know what I'm going to write, but you should probably read it, groundbreaking stuff I'm sure.

A fuckin blog. What is this, 2003 you silly sonofabitch.

AND GO!