DFW

I don't really have anything to write about except an update on me and what I'm doing. Starting to actually look forward to going back to Bend in April. Garrett is leaving to go back April 20th, I may come back with him. Everybody else will be here til the end of April. Border's filed Chapter 11 and are closing 200 out of their 500 stores, including the one I work at here. I was a barista, but the cafe closed already, so now I'm a floor employee. To anywhere from tomorrow to mid April. Layoffs will be happening frequently, and I'm just a seasonal employee anyways so I'll be the first to go. Pretty much just going with the flow right now.

Looking forward to being back in Bend, but as for how long I don't know. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe the summer. A lot of that depends on whether or not I officially start at Leading Edge to be a helicopter pilot, and/or when I start. No rush, I want to be confident in the decisions I make. I don't know how good this summer in Bend will be, and last summer will be hard to beat. We had Erik and I in the cave, Stephen and Marta upstairs, Austin and Garrett two blocks down, and all our favorite bars within easy stumbling distance. Last summer was endless games of wallball, video games, joints, parties, decks, sunshine, beer, friends, the official formation of the W5. This summer Erik and Stephen will be mentoring kids at camp (scary thought), Marta's off discovering herself in Israel, Kaylin moved to Ashland and will probably be assimilated into hippie culture, the Amy's moved to Washington, and it'll be a different and less colorful and exciting place (Bend). Add to that there is apparently somebody back in my hometown that I don't want to see or run into, but with the circles we travel it's inevitable. Strangely enough I really wish I could be this guy's friend, I do miss hanging out, I miss what was once my closest friend. He choose a path that doesn't allow us to be friends though, and seeing him again it would've once been hard not to take out his teeth. I don't have the motivation anymore though, the fire I had a year ago wouldn't have let me stop until I heard things breaking, but its died down to burning coals. Anger and disappointment that I could misjudge people so badly, that he could value our friendship that little. I'll deal with that when it comes up though, and I'm tired of thinking about this so, moving on.

I don't have a car, I don't have a home, and I'm really not looking forward to crashing at my parents house again. Then again my moms is great, she cooks, it's cheap, and she'd love to have me around, at least for a while, so I suppose thats the route to start at. Wherever I am or I end up, I'm going to make the best of it, and do my best to enjoy the shit out of life, have as much fun as I can whenever I can. All I have ahead of me are options, possibilities, and potential, and that sounds pretty damn good to me right now.

Faded Ramblings

Technology kinda freaks me out when I stop to think about it. Which I do, occasionally. I remember when cell phones were a huge deal. I remember when we got our first family cell phone. I was probably 10. One of those old bulky Nokia's with the tiny yellowish screen. It cost one billion dollars a month and we got 18 minutes of talk time and if we called somebody further away then Redmond it ran 19.00 a minute. I remember getting my first cell phone, a blue screen standard Mitsubishi, I was probably a freshmen or sophomore in high school. None of this really has any point or relevance other then that I'm typing this entry on my phone. Which is one of the most amazing and versatile things I own today. If there was a fire I would save three things, my 42" flatscreen, my laptop, and my phone. Which also happens to be my iPod. Which also happens to be my detailed calendar, my actual address book, ect ect blah blah blah. It does nearly everything my laptop does and it fits nicely in my hand. Ten years ago this kinda shit was a dream for the average Joe. Now you've got little kids in diapers with Blackberries and iPhones. I remember what a huge deal it was to have a DVD player on a laptop, if you even had a laptop. Now I can watch fucking Inception on HD on my cellphone because my Blu-Ray disc came with a digital copy. It's insane to for me to think of a generation growing up with all this crap readily available and provided by parents even.

I know there wasn't a point to this but sometimes you just have to get faded and think then write about what's on your mind. No matter how mundane or pedestrian a read it may be. If you are even still reading I salute you. From my godamned can't live without it phone.

In closing, a quote I think we could all take some time to think on.

"Shut up."
- Stephen Haze (in regards to...anything)

Ghost Writer?

I feel so small, in a really big fuckin world. I used to feel like I had my own little universe, somewhere I was comfortable and content if not happy. Now the line is severed and I float adrift, nothing really tying me to any particular job, town, adventure. I come and go as I please, but I don't feel free, more lost. Lost is some people's free I guess, although its also a variation on trapped in a maze, strapped down and forced to stare at this riddle for the rest of your life and half the time I swear it makes no fuckin sense. I don't want to be on some goddamned assembly line, just sliding along, bouncing up and down like I've got puppet strings attached to my destiny and I don't believe I trust the puppeteer. Or that there even is one. I don't believe in many things these anymore, harshness of reality, disillusionment of principles, all those cliches lined up in a row, give me a chance I bet I can hit every single one.

Ok here's something thats not bullshit metaphors and whining. Things to do.

1) Figure out what makes me happy, figure out how to make money doing this, do this.
2) Get more tattoos. This is already proven to make me happy.
3) Keep saving money. Money is good, I have some, I'd like to have more.
4) Go after whatever I want, and fuck the obstacles, the haters, the fear of failure. Be all nike and shit.
5) Fly more helicopters. This seems to be something that could both make me happy and make me money. That's a two-fer.
6) Keep writing. Even if its silly shit like this blog, and even if its just me who reads it. Its good for me dammit, and sometimes I'm good for it. I don't see myself pursuing it as a monetary draw, but its a good hobby, and I've already been working on it for oh, 20 years.
7) Smile you sonofabitch! For all the shortcomings that may be in your life, you have it pretty damn good. Enjoy that.

Cheers. Here's to all the things to come, whatever they may be.

Not about you...about you all.

I'd like to speak to the special agent in charge of this whole fiasco. Relationships. Men and women, men and men, women and women, and any other combinations you can think of. They can be gold, and they can be cancer. Regardless of the situation, regardless of the problems and the vitriol and the issues, once its gone you just want it back. Entirely contradictory to everything rational, but nobody ever said emotions had any correlation with rationality. We are all controlled by impulse, we'd all fight and scratch and kill to get something that in the end might very well destroy us quicker then we could destroy each other. We all yearn for that human connection, and we'll drive ourselves insane to achieve it. Happiness is so fleeting from inside a padded room, and those embraces we so long for are complicated by straight jackets. Smile that vacant smile and take your meds, if you are weak enough you can let your fantasies become your life, but it'll only ever be in your head. I've been mentally shuffling through my rolodex of every woman who's ever meant something to me, and it's not such a long list. I miss them all though, the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly. I miss late nights talking in parks, long drives, the rain and everything in it, the music that has provided a soundtrack to each and every girl I've taken interest in, and packs of cigarettes smoked throughout conversations that seemed so goddamned important at the time. It's strange how now they can seem important again, like some sort of network error I never noticed, severe delayed reaction. I feel like the lines are up again though, data is being sent and received, and there are connections, some to be made, some to be reestablished, some to be severed if they haven't been already. I think I could make you happy, I just don't know who you are yet.

Always and Fornever

Isn't it weird how things can reverse on you? A situation completely and utterly polarized can be a jarring and unnerving ordeal, which is strange in itself because you've been on the opposite side, its like inverted deja vu. You've seen the way it went the first time, you know the reactions and the responses and yet you still can't help yourself from going through the motions. At some point you have to try something new, even try nothing at all, but quit walking down the same old dirty beaten broke ass path, you've been here before and it isn't going to lead anywhere new this time.

People are strange and complicated and unpredictable things, and no matter what you think you know there will always be somebody standing in front of you smiling through their deceit. Accepting that you can't change people is the summit of understanding. The people you know, your friends, your family, you yourself, are who you are and always will be. There are layers to everything, but deep down, maybe not even so deep, we're all the same. We all want to love, laugh, fuck, feel, experience, succeed. We are all visceral emotion and twisting contradictions, just moving throughout the day trying to keep it all in check without exploding. We all need somebody to connect to, somebody who operates on that same wavelength as us, somebody who can keep you tethered and sane, and you for them. Thats a true partnership, those that have it are lucky and those that don't, keep looking.

I like to keep in control of things. I don't like situations being flipped on me, I don't like being out of my element. Technically I'm not though, and at this point, with the amount of things I've been through, I could just relive everything in reverse and never have a new experience. Fuck that obviously, I'm off the path, gone from the map, and I'm making my own destiny. The elements can be damned, I'll live where I want and be where I want and do whatever with whomever I want. The beauty of choice, of being young and free of wires and puppet strings.

Here we go again

What is this, the fiftieth, sixtieth time I've started this. New beginnings and shit though right? It's just me now, like it used to be, theres no filter, no judge and jury. It doesn't have to be about anybody and it can be about everybody. I don't give a damn how you decide to interpret what you read, thats one of your rights as a human being, and possibly a hater although that debate hasn't yet been settled.

It feels good to type. Feels good to hold words in my hand and make them dance to the tune of my flute. Which is a total contradiction because if I'm holding things (words) how am I playing a musical instrument (flute)? I don't even play the flute. I played the clarinet once. Literally once. Then I just kinda sat in class and distracted people for oh I don't know, five years. Oh yeah you know who you are if you went to high school/middle school with me and were in the clarinet section. Third chair typically. I'm sorry third chair, we let you down, but just trust me, the band was better off.

Ok so there wasn't a point to that divergence. But you came here and you read it so I don't think there's anybody to blame in this situation but yourself. More to the point, I've written on Myspace, LiveJournal, notebooks, and now I'm going to write here. I don't know what I'm going to write, but you should probably read it, groundbreaking stuff I'm sure.

A fuckin blog. What is this, 2003 you silly sonofabitch.

AND GO!